Jealousy

One thing I learned about jealousy. It's something that some people can't avoid. It's one of the negative emotions. Well, jealousy is usually related to romance.

Why do people feel jealous. I learned that for some people who doesn't feel jealous, it's because they trust their partner so much that it doesn't bother them if their partner is close with another person. Whereas in others that's not the case. For some people even though they said they don't mean to feel jealous, that it's something appear in their hearts, deep deep down, they don't really trust their partner or they're afraid to lose their partner.

Somehow I do wonder when people say that they trust their partner but still feel jealous. For me, I think someone scared them, maybe someone left them behind, or their previous partner lied to them and cheat at them, or they saw people getting cheated by someone dear to those people.

Now, I think the only option they have is try to put those trust to someone better, and try to learn to trust their partner again, especially when those partner are not their previous partner who left them.

I somehow feel that everytime you got jealous, the loyalty of your partner decrease a little. And finally, when they feel that you don't trust them anymore by being jealous all the time even with their friends, they'll start to be loyal to someone who trust them. They'll started to leave those who don't trust them for someone who does.

But again, those are just my opinion, whether it is true, correct, valid or not I have no idea. What do you think?

Kids

Adults are like kids in a way. They could easily get mad, some of them have a very bad temperaments. One thing for sure they have the curiousity of a child.
Children will be curious for things which is new for them. They usually will investigate those new things by examining, asking, and experimenting. They will investigate things until they are satisfy with the result, sometimes it will require a large amount of time. Another way for them to stop from investigating is when they got bored. Only when those two conditions are met, they will stop.
Adults are much like them. They like to investigate a lot of things, starting from the simple things as food, movies, music, to things like gossips of the stars and to complicated things such as sex. They will try to explore those things when the conditions are possible for them to explore. It's not a really bad thing but, sometimes when it becomes too extreme, it's not good.

Peace

Has the long lasting peace arrived? Or is this just a peace before the war?

We will have to see things better from now on.

I love things, silly little things perhaps, but I always love it all.

This things I do, I like it. I wish to be better, I wish to get better.

In all the things we have to do, let's just hope that with God's help everything will be just fine.

Sending my love to my friends.

Gains, I wish you well. It's been a really long time since the last I hear from you. Hope you're better as well.

Persistent

Persistence is something people will need during their times living in this world. Without persistence people will easily give up, people will die easily. But when you combine persistence with perspective.
Perspective is something tricky. There are almost no same exact perspective. The perspective of one person will differ from other's. For one person who feels accepted when someone greets that person warmly and that person returns it could be seen as other things by others who saw that. When one person tries to talked with other because that person thinks that person doesn't want to disturb those near can be seen as other negatively by those near.
Now when you combine the persistence of trying so hard to be accepted and the perspective of those in the friendship relationship and those observing, it could turn out to be something out of the ordinary, something bad.
Right now I don't want to add more silly stupid thoughts into other's mind. As far as I like being close friend with this person, it is not my goal nor my wish to make the others annoyed because of my closeness. I know I'm not even that close, but when it gave others those thoughts, it's then become something you should try to avoid.
I guess I may like, or fall for, but I'm in no condition or in no way to be involved in that complicated kind of relationship. I like my friends, I really do, and the last thing that I want is for them to be annoy at me. I'd hate that.
I am ranting, with what I have in mind, what I feel. I might not like this, I know. I sometimes wished I could erased my past, those sad times, those dark times, those stupid times, but I also know that I'm learning. There might be things I have to learn the hard way, there might be things someone have to tell it to my face to make me realize it, there might be times where someone have to help me from doing my habit, to break my bad habits. I appreciate them very much. I don't like it to be kept in the dark, I don't like it when I have to guess around. I might be angry, I might be upset, I might be irritated, it might makes me hot, burning inside my chest and face when someone tell me straight up, but that will get me think about things, that will certainly make me more aware of my flaws, and I know to change those flaws I will need help, and for that I will need someone who will not give up on me. I know I can be stubborn at times, I need someone who can point things out for me, so I can break those habits. I know it seems childish, but I do think it is better than me annoying people around me.
I rant too much tonight...

Stupid

I think...no I know, I just made a stupid decision last week, without thinking ahead. Someone offered me to take care of a kitty because in her place the kitty is going to get killed by her dogs. She asked and I said I'm willing to take them, but I might have a prob with my auntie. She decided in that moment to get the cat to me. I'm excited, really excited, to the point of buying things for the kitty (food included). After I buy things, I began to look at my plans, and then it strucked me...I have plans in the end of the month and if I took the cat, it will ended up being neglected. I don't want that to happen, so I told her and explain things to her. I also told her that the best I can do is take the cat and try to get it a new place quickly, I said I was sorry and I said I'll try to be responsible and find a place for the cat. Somehow she's mad at me more than I could imagine, I really feel bad, I felt guilty ever since I remembered the plan. I told her if she thinks I'm fit to take care of the cat for a while then I'll take it, but in the end she kinda said whatever...from what she implied I get that she doesn't want to hear anything from me again, so I dropped it while searching for a new place. I still am searching for a new place.
I really am speechless about this problem, and all I can do is try my best to find a place ASAP. Of course all I can do is also pray, I hope things will work out.
I went to the job fair, I've applied to a lot of place, including the doughnut's shop (¬_¬"). Well, all I can do right now is just keep on praying. Hope I get the right job.
I think I was being foolish, I need to think more ahead than to the present. I hope I can be a better person.
I'm really really sorry to my friends who I may hurt accidentally, whom I might annoy without me realizing it. I'm trying to be a good friend, but I guess I still need a lot to learn.

About chairs

This is what I notice when I ate. People tend to group themselves among what they're familiarized themselves with, be it a family, a friend, or maybe just a fellow colleague. They also have the tendencies of doing things together while they ate. I noticed some differences as long as we grow up (why we? Because it's a general knowledge).
When we were in kindergarten we sit next to a stranger and treats them as friend, while staying true to ourselves, be it the way we eat, the way we sit, the way we talk, or even our own habits. We never have to pretend, we never really care about who's sitting next to us as long as we are happy. We are carefree.
As we grow up, we go to school, we learn what is appropriate, what is polite, what the society thinks, and it became a doctrine. We started to define ourselves according to the society, the majority.
In primary school we started to group ourselves, we only want to sit next to someone we know, if we don't know we still are able to make friends with them. By the end of primary school we grouped ourselves and the stereotyping began.
In high school, we often see people grouping themselves, and when someone new comes to school that person will try the place or group that he/she could fit in. At this times, stereotyping play its role. People try their best to be accepted in the majority that they think are cool, although some of them stays true and usually becomes an outcast.
By the end of university we've become doctrinate, of course we can also differentiate what is good and what is bad. In this way we are ready for the society to take us in. However one thing stays true, by this time we totally alienated ourselves from strangers. Not wanting to know them, not wanting to sit next to them unless we really have to. By this time we only want to sit next to those we really are familiar with, those we are comfortable with, and starting to not care about others. There are still some who care, and we call them by names, or maybe heroes.
So what is up with the universe? What have this world comes to? We are the one making the rules, and yet we keep on changing them whenever we feel convenient. We throw off our carefreeness for a doctrine which is not perfect, which is humane. But then again we are humans, we are what we define we are. We decide with God's help what is wrong and what is right...hold on...is it that fruit that causes this mess? Oh well...there are nothing we can do about that right now right?
The point is we can only learn, observe, and pour our thoughts while hoping that this world will be a better place for us, for the mankind as well as the others inhabit it.

Addiction

Tomorrow will probably the last day that person will be around. I've been thinking about it. Telling that person how I feel, that I like that person. I have so many things on my mind that I again cried like a pathetic person. What I was thinking? I mean I know I like that person, I know that person is someone dear for me, and I don't ever want to lose that person. I feel that person is too precious, that person is the glue for sometime. I mean that person was the first one who really made me feel welcomed. I like to see the smile, that sparkly eyes, that warm warm greetings, that warm conversation, even if I never really converse that deep that led me to know that person.
We parted to a different way just then, I can't help to look back and see that person, even if it's just the back. I can't help to wonder if he turned around. I sometimes like to see if he's looking at my direction, but I can't be sure.
I've been reading about Andersen's Fairy Tale, and I feel that I'm in the little mermaid story, where I'm the little mermaid and bound to have an unhappy ending.
Then I think about it, if I told that person, there's a possibility that I'm gonna lose that person, there's a possibility of being awkward, and I don't want that to happen. Will I be the mute mermaid who won't be able to deliver her own feelings and ended up as foam? I'm scared, I prayed, but I still don't know, I know that God will give the best for me, I know that He would prefer me having something that I need, I know that He knows that I don't want to lose that person. I'm hopeless, I'm pathetic in this matter, and I can only hope it will turn into something beautiful.
One thing I know about me is that when I see something that is really dear, really precious for me I'd walked, I'd go around the world for that person.
The thing that worries me besides that is my friends. Are they used to me being around, or do they still think negatively of me? I wonder what they think, about me hanging around with them. I feel that they don't really accept me. I know that I had my time of addiction to them, and it's unhealthy and that's probably why they're like the way they are now. This leads to another question, I do hope this feeling that I'm feeling is not an addiction. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to hurt myself.
I had enough share of hurt in this matter and I don't plan on adding more. Also another thing in my mind is that usually these things I said, those things that I told someone, that I told my friends ended up in the sad way, and I really don't know about now.

Dessert

On Sunday I made some dessert, I don't know what it's called, although it's probably going to be called green tea pannacotta with Croissant. I already told my friends that I'm going to make it and I asked them to try it out. So today I brought those desserts and asked them to try it. The first 2 said that it was good, and that they like it. That actually made me feel glad, I don't really know how it would turn up. So when they said that they like it, I was really really glad and all I can say was 'yokatta!'. Anyway we went around for a while before I went to others and asked them to tried it out. This time they have their own opinions, some of them said that it's too sweet, and I need to bring down the milk and sugars. Also there are some advice saying that it's better to bring down the green tea just a bit (I used powdered green tea in making it). Anyway only one of them said that it was too bland and she liked it sweeter.
Overall it was quite good, ooh that reminds me, I need to wash those utensils haha.
See ya round!
Ooh, almost forgot. I also gave the first two chocolates, but not just any chocolate, I gave them the weird flavoured ones. I gave them sea salted caramel chocolate and cheese chocolate. I wanted to know their opinions, and I think they kinda liked it. One of the member ate the cheese one by himself (I was told) but the rest ate the sea salted caramel chocolate one. They said that it was good. I'm glad ^^

Dream

Okay...from my dream last night I concluded that my imagination is impossible. My dream wasn't that good. I kinda forgot what it's like, but in that dream it was pretty downing for me. I think I told that person how I feel and that person kinda shot me down. That's another sign that it's impossible.
Well, I guess that would mean I can't tell that person anything. I wanna cry, I cried a little bit. Why do I feel like this? Well, to the very least I want to be close with that person, I want to be that person's close friend, someone who that person can depend on and all.

Image

My imagination ran wild earlier. I like someone, and though I don't know what it will be my imagination ran really wild to the point of a picture of the two of us. That is really wild, when I know that the chance is really small. Of course then I prayed to God, if that's going to happen. I know that I want to be close with this person, maybe more than anything, I want to be close, I want to know this person. If you ask me what I like I'd probably say everything, every tiny thing.
I don't know what will happen in the future. Again hoping and wishing...that everything will work out fine and great.
Does my imagination is a picture of what will happened, or is it purely what my subconcious wants and will never happen? We won't know until it happens I guess.
I was sure I was overly excited this week. I shouldn't be too excited, because life have it's ups and downs. And I don't want the downside to be too down that it makes me look or indeed pathetic. I want my life to be stable in every aspect.
At these moments when I'm writing in my blog, I really feel I want my own column. I feel I have so much in my mind, and I need to write all down. Will it be true? We shall see I guess.
This is it for now.

Ordinary

Somehow lately I feel that I'm so very ordinary. I wonder how I ended up so ordinary? I liked being weird, or am I too weird that I've became so ordinary? I wonder where I go wrong. Did I do something wrong? I like being a Phoebe, it's nice, it's lovely.
I like being able to remember things, even if it's just some useless thing like 'what's the melting point of the brain?'.
How can I feel so ordinary? Well...I joined this community and there I meet people who are very cool. I really like them, and I think they're one of a kind. I feel that this is indeed where I belong, but I don't know where I go wrong that I feel so ordinary and I feel they feel that I'm so ordinary. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just my feeling. Sometimes I feel that they don't really feel that I belong there. Am I too quiet? Am I really that ordinary? Am I really that bland?
I wanna change, because I don't like me being like this. Where did I get these phobias? Or is it really phobias? Is it just me being scaredy cat? I need to change.
I guess I always hopes, I always wishes. Have I got my wishes? Am I just too greedy? I wonder...

Birthday

Today my friend's having a birthday, I've congratulate him. I feel I wanted to give him a present, but I don't know what to give him. He didn't answer to the question I asked him before, what kind of things he likes or if he have to wear a tie when he works in the end of this month. I wanted to get him a tie, a cool one XD.
Anyway, I'm not sure what else to write. I do thankful for meeting, knowing my friends.
Have a good day!

Today

It's been a long time since I last post. Today...no, tonight, my friends have a gig again. I really want to go there and watch, since it's been really long since their last gig that I watched. The problem is that the place of their gig is quite far and I haven't really figured out the place and way around.
Am I disappointing? I don't know. Sometimes I disappoint myself because I don't have enough courage, or I don't have enough strength, or confidence. I hate it. I know I could do better, I really do, but sometimes my confidence leave me. Anyway...I got this job interview and I don't think I get the job, maybe I don't have the confident, but I know I did my best. I will try again when I have the opportunity :)

Anyway...there's a possibility of me falling for someone. I like that someone for who he is, for the whole him, the little things he do, say, his expression, and how he looks. I like to see him being so happy and excited when he told me his hobbies or something that he likes. I like to see his eyes sparkles when he explains stuff that he knows. I like how he look like a child eager to listen and find out new things when listening to stories or something that is indeed new for him. I like to hear him said 'really?' In that excited happy tone. I like to see him smile. I like how he looks lively. I like how he always smile. I like it when he is so absorbed when he's doing something that he likes. Yes basically I like quite everything bout him. Why quite? Because I don't think I know the whole him yet, I think I only see the tip of the iceberg and I want to dive and see for myself the whole iceberg, the whole him. I want to get to know him, yes even the negative things, that is everything. Will I ever have the chance? Does he even like me?

Everything right now is a puzzle. One thing for sure I don't ever want to lose a friend.

This is it for now. I hope everything goes well.

There is one thing that bother me, whenever I told someone about this kind of problem, things usually ended up in the other direction. There usually an obstacle, such as his liking of person, or the status, or something like that. I have no idea why, I do hope this one ends well. Please God...I want this one to end well.

Dream

What is your dream?

My dream is to work in the hospital. Ever since I step foot in the hospital when I was a child, I always like the hospital. I like the smell of the hospital. I like the temperature of the hospital. Unfortunately I can't be a doctor or a nurse. I will settle as the nutritionist staff. I like nutrition, I know I can learn it well. We'll have to see about this dream if it were to come true.
My other dream is to be an author or at least to work in the literature topic. I like to read, I like to write. I sure want to publish at least one of my writings and see how it goes.

Right now I'm kinda jobless, maybe it's a bad thing? Maybe it's a good thing. Either way I have to continue my journey, I have to move on, keep pressing on.
I want to be my own boss. Bosses could be self-centered, they could be even more childish than the children themselves. And when you can't take it, all you can do is to do your best and step away. But when both doesn't work, all you can do is pray, to get the best decision you can choose.

Right now I can only learn from the mistakes and try to do better the next time. Try to do the best, and keep on moving forward.

I will keep on praying that this is indeed the best decision I could make.

Tired

Yesterday probably the peak of me being tired, tired in every way (body, mind and mental). If you asked me why I'm that tired, I would say I'm not sure. I know it has something to do with where I work, it has something to do with my job, but if you ask me what, I wouldn't know. Anyway, I cried yesterday, and ended up with a sore eyes and jaw (cry too much, laugh too much -> I really should work on how to reduce the too much part).
I know my job, I know what I have to do, what I have to deal with. If you ask me about my complaints, I won't say I don't have, probably 1-2 complaints, but the problem is I know why it won't be a valid complaints and that is why I will say that I don't really have a complaint. People do things for reason, my boss have reasons for things he did or done, whichever it is. I have reasons to do what I'm doing, everyone has their own reasons, even if it means that it might be a stupid reason, it might not be a valid reason, but people will try to reason their every act, their every word, their every mind. This is why I think I find the phrase 'you gotta do what you gotta do' is interesting and right.
The only problem with reasons is that sometimes other people won't take a heed of your reasons. They may not be a listening type of person, they might not be a logical nor illogical, in a way they're not you. They're who they are, what they are made of is themselves, their uniqueness. The uniqueness in their mind, that even if you think that you feel the same, you are not. That is why I think the first lesson from my boss is really meaningful. The first lesson I learn…never to reason with anyone, especially your boss.

Anyway….the tiredness I've been feeling really urge me to take a getaway, a meditation course which I will take after I get out of here because it will take more than 1 week to conduct. I think, no matter how tolerant my boss is there's no way he'll allow me to have 2 weeks off to take the course. I really need it and I got the support. That tiredness led me to the decision I make yesterday. I told my boss that I resign. He asked me why, even though I know that he's going to say 'no' plus he asked people to stop me from doing that. But again, what you gotta do, then you gotta do right? I really need it and I think as long as I got the support I might be just fine.
Well, plenty of people said that it's okay to make mistakes and regrets, because if you don't then you won't really learn anything. Well, if that's the case, if I'm not making the right decision I do hope I can learn from this, and never to make this kind of mistakes again. I'll admit that I might regret this, but again…I gotta do this. I do hope it's not the wrong decision.

I will keep on praying, for help, for strength, for the right way. That is why I can only hope that this is right.

Yesterday

Sometimes I wonder why yesterday is past, why tomorrow is future, why today is present. It's for us to see ahead, not to see behind, it's for us to live in today.
Another friend of mine died, I heard the news yesterday. He was in the same junior high, he's my close friend's boyfriend, he's having his final project right now, and now he have died.
They all say it began on Sunday, he was asked to buy some medicine for his mom. And then he went with a car to the pharmacy. Before he went home he asked if there are anything else they want to buy. Then nobody hear from him again. On Monday his family filed a missing person's report. Then yesterday they got info. A body was found in a river in Karawang area. His family went to the hospital in the area to ID the body. Turns out it was him. He was found strangled, tied up and there are stab wounds in his body, also his face shows blunt object trauma. His girlfriend had posted on facebook for him to go home soon.
Some of my friends went to the hospital to see his body last night, and tonight they will go again. Today a mass is going to be held at 9.
I cried yesterday, and I really feel it suck to lose a friend and to be sad. I want to come today, but I have work tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I can't ditch it. All I can do right now is to pray that the Lord welcome him in His kingdom and that the Lord give strength to all of us who have been left behind so we can move on.
Sometimes I can't really believe that those who did that are human. Unspeakable, unbearable, unbelievable.
May God forgive us, the human He created for all the wrongdoings that we have done.
This is me being mellow, this is me being sad.