Addiction

Tomorrow will probably the last day that person will be around. I've been thinking about it. Telling that person how I feel, that I like that person. I have so many things on my mind that I again cried like a pathetic person. What I was thinking? I mean I know I like that person, I know that person is someone dear for me, and I don't ever want to lose that person. I feel that person is too precious, that person is the glue for sometime. I mean that person was the first one who really made me feel welcomed. I like to see the smile, that sparkly eyes, that warm warm greetings, that warm conversation, even if I never really converse that deep that led me to know that person.
We parted to a different way just then, I can't help to look back and see that person, even if it's just the back. I can't help to wonder if he turned around. I sometimes like to see if he's looking at my direction, but I can't be sure.
I've been reading about Andersen's Fairy Tale, and I feel that I'm in the little mermaid story, where I'm the little mermaid and bound to have an unhappy ending.
Then I think about it, if I told that person, there's a possibility that I'm gonna lose that person, there's a possibility of being awkward, and I don't want that to happen. Will I be the mute mermaid who won't be able to deliver her own feelings and ended up as foam? I'm scared, I prayed, but I still don't know, I know that God will give the best for me, I know that He would prefer me having something that I need, I know that He knows that I don't want to lose that person. I'm hopeless, I'm pathetic in this matter, and I can only hope it will turn into something beautiful.
One thing I know about me is that when I see something that is really dear, really precious for me I'd walked, I'd go around the world for that person.
The thing that worries me besides that is my friends. Are they used to me being around, or do they still think negatively of me? I wonder what they think, about me hanging around with them. I feel that they don't really accept me. I know that I had my time of addiction to them, and it's unhealthy and that's probably why they're like the way they are now. This leads to another question, I do hope this feeling that I'm feeling is not an addiction. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to hurt myself.
I had enough share of hurt in this matter and I don't plan on adding more. Also another thing in my mind is that usually these things I said, those things that I told someone, that I told my friends ended up in the sad way, and I really don't know about now.

Dessert

On Sunday I made some dessert, I don't know what it's called, although it's probably going to be called green tea pannacotta with Croissant. I already told my friends that I'm going to make it and I asked them to try it out. So today I brought those desserts and asked them to try it. The first 2 said that it was good, and that they like it. That actually made me feel glad, I don't really know how it would turn up. So when they said that they like it, I was really really glad and all I can say was 'yokatta!'. Anyway we went around for a while before I went to others and asked them to tried it out. This time they have their own opinions, some of them said that it's too sweet, and I need to bring down the milk and sugars. Also there are some advice saying that it's better to bring down the green tea just a bit (I used powdered green tea in making it). Anyway only one of them said that it was too bland and she liked it sweeter.
Overall it was quite good, ooh that reminds me, I need to wash those utensils haha.
See ya round!
Ooh, almost forgot. I also gave the first two chocolates, but not just any chocolate, I gave them the weird flavoured ones. I gave them sea salted caramel chocolate and cheese chocolate. I wanted to know their opinions, and I think they kinda liked it. One of the member ate the cheese one by himself (I was told) but the rest ate the sea salted caramel chocolate one. They said that it was good. I'm glad ^^

Dream

Okay...from my dream last night I concluded that my imagination is impossible. My dream wasn't that good. I kinda forgot what it's like, but in that dream it was pretty downing for me. I think I told that person how I feel and that person kinda shot me down. That's another sign that it's impossible.
Well, I guess that would mean I can't tell that person anything. I wanna cry, I cried a little bit. Why do I feel like this? Well, to the very least I want to be close with that person, I want to be that person's close friend, someone who that person can depend on and all.

Image

My imagination ran wild earlier. I like someone, and though I don't know what it will be my imagination ran really wild to the point of a picture of the two of us. That is really wild, when I know that the chance is really small. Of course then I prayed to God, if that's going to happen. I know that I want to be close with this person, maybe more than anything, I want to be close, I want to know this person. If you ask me what I like I'd probably say everything, every tiny thing.
I don't know what will happen in the future. Again hoping and wishing...that everything will work out fine and great.
Does my imagination is a picture of what will happened, or is it purely what my subconcious wants and will never happen? We won't know until it happens I guess.
I was sure I was overly excited this week. I shouldn't be too excited, because life have it's ups and downs. And I don't want the downside to be too down that it makes me look or indeed pathetic. I want my life to be stable in every aspect.
At these moments when I'm writing in my blog, I really feel I want my own column. I feel I have so much in my mind, and I need to write all down. Will it be true? We shall see I guess.
This is it for now.

Ordinary

Somehow lately I feel that I'm so very ordinary. I wonder how I ended up so ordinary? I liked being weird, or am I too weird that I've became so ordinary? I wonder where I go wrong. Did I do something wrong? I like being a Phoebe, it's nice, it's lovely.
I like being able to remember things, even if it's just some useless thing like 'what's the melting point of the brain?'.
How can I feel so ordinary? Well...I joined this community and there I meet people who are very cool. I really like them, and I think they're one of a kind. I feel that this is indeed where I belong, but I don't know where I go wrong that I feel so ordinary and I feel they feel that I'm so ordinary. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just my feeling. Sometimes I feel that they don't really feel that I belong there. Am I too quiet? Am I really that ordinary? Am I really that bland?
I wanna change, because I don't like me being like this. Where did I get these phobias? Or is it really phobias? Is it just me being scaredy cat? I need to change.
I guess I always hopes, I always wishes. Have I got my wishes? Am I just too greedy? I wonder...

Birthday

Today my friend's having a birthday, I've congratulate him. I feel I wanted to give him a present, but I don't know what to give him. He didn't answer to the question I asked him before, what kind of things he likes or if he have to wear a tie when he works in the end of this month. I wanted to get him a tie, a cool one XD.
Anyway, I'm not sure what else to write. I do thankful for meeting, knowing my friends.
Have a good day!

Today

It's been a long time since I last post. Today...no, tonight, my friends have a gig again. I really want to go there and watch, since it's been really long since their last gig that I watched. The problem is that the place of their gig is quite far and I haven't really figured out the place and way around.
Am I disappointing? I don't know. Sometimes I disappoint myself because I don't have enough courage, or I don't have enough strength, or confidence. I hate it. I know I could do better, I really do, but sometimes my confidence leave me. Anyway...I got this job interview and I don't think I get the job, maybe I don't have the confident, but I know I did my best. I will try again when I have the opportunity :)

Anyway...there's a possibility of me falling for someone. I like that someone for who he is, for the whole him, the little things he do, say, his expression, and how he looks. I like to see him being so happy and excited when he told me his hobbies or something that he likes. I like to see his eyes sparkles when he explains stuff that he knows. I like how he look like a child eager to listen and find out new things when listening to stories or something that is indeed new for him. I like to hear him said 'really?' In that excited happy tone. I like to see him smile. I like how he looks lively. I like how he always smile. I like it when he is so absorbed when he's doing something that he likes. Yes basically I like quite everything bout him. Why quite? Because I don't think I know the whole him yet, I think I only see the tip of the iceberg and I want to dive and see for myself the whole iceberg, the whole him. I want to get to know him, yes even the negative things, that is everything. Will I ever have the chance? Does he even like me?

Everything right now is a puzzle. One thing for sure I don't ever want to lose a friend.

This is it for now. I hope everything goes well.

There is one thing that bother me, whenever I told someone about this kind of problem, things usually ended up in the other direction. There usually an obstacle, such as his liking of person, or the status, or something like that. I have no idea why, I do hope this one ends well. Please God...I want this one to end well.