Exist

To exist or not to exist, that is the question.
It has been on my mind for most of these times. Maybe it's best if I
stop existing? I find it in everyone's interest that I stop existing,
for I bring tears, sadness, and uncomfortability to them.
Giving you one example, someone used to say that if I don't exist,
that person might have a better life. Others, I feel the same, if I
stop existing, their lives would be much easier, much better.
I like someone, and somehow ended up getting hurt and hurt that
person. It's always been like that, maybe I'm a negative, but when you
go through that every now and then, it makes you think, doesn't it?
Now I think I repeated that ironic thing, where I like someone, but
that person doesn't have the same feeling, and somehow I feel like
that person's drifting away, pushes me away. So now, does it really
matter anymore if I exist? Or it never really matter?
What stops me from stopping existing is my fear. Fear of being thrown
to a hell hole, so I keep on existing. Afraid of God, that He gave me
life, He's the reason why I exist.
But I often have the wrong reason to stop existing, but then I always
remember the sole reason I still exist.
Now the question, will my fear stays or will I defeat my fear and
cease to exist?

Chance

I've been thinking, regarding my last post. Do I still have a chance? Or is it going to be like Adele's song Chasing Pavements? If you wonder why am I so pessimistic, this is why. I tend to think too much, and in the end I always got hurt. I want to fight, I want to be able to get to this person's heart, even a tiny step at a time, but when this person decided to let me go, will I be able to get in? Or will I get shooed away again like always? This is my irony I looked up at the serene sky and I cried. This has gotten to my nerves. When I am left alone, nobody knows what I will do and I myself am scared of what comes to my mind and what I might do. I looked at the serene ocean.

Feeling

I have this feeling, feeling of love that I cherish. I haven't found this feeling in a long time. It's only a few months but I have to destroy it. This is absolutely not fun. I like this person, I love this person. I'm afraid to lose this person.I feel that this person gets me and I really like that feeling. 2 days ago, this person asked me to let this person go. I'm just sad. Feels like after so long I found a light and then those in the lights shooed me away, telling me I'm not fit to be in the light, telling me that I don't belong there. I'm just sad. I got a feeling that I might not be able to be with this person, and this person's words at first has been soothing me, but I think this person also do the same thing, letting me go. Can I ask this person not to? I feel comfortable with this person. This person's like my close friend, my best friend. I feel lucky to be able to meet this person and I don't want to let this person go.

Mnemo

In 25 years, will I remember this place? 25 is too long? How bout in 10 years? Will I still be able to remember this room? What happened inside? How I spent most of my time here? The smell, the noise, all the memories within?
I'm in my old campus and I'm sitting in a room I used to go to during my last year in the campus, and I really missed those times. Will my memories stay? Or will they fade?
This place has become a dearest place now, full of memories, bittersweet ones. All those silliness, all those chaos, all those madness, all combined into one.
The time where I met them, the time where I spent time with them, when we play together, going crazy together. It has become dear to me. Will I still be able to remember this? Or will this fade? A place where the music plays in the evening. And who knows it's just a simple discussion room?
Let me write this in my heart, in my memory, in my soul. Lest not forget this!

Scared

These past few days, I've been feeling rather scared. No, not these past few days, but these past few weeks. The reason, simply because I don't want to lose someone dear to me. I'm starting to get scared and being emotional without any apparent reason. I'm losing my cool and that's not good. That person however saw something through me and told me that I haven't been myself lately. I know, I'm just scared, I'm just too scared and I'm afraid of telling this to that person. Somehow there's a feeling that I might lose that person sooner or later. I know I want the time to just stand still, because I'm just too afraid of stepping forward into the future time. The thought of losing this person scares me than other things, I'm not really sure why. Anyway, I've been crying these past 3 nights, because I've been too emotional. I kinda feel uncertain, and that made me uneasy. Tonikaku, I've been trying to get something, non love life wise. I wonder if I can get it. I do hope so, since it's been my dream and it's been one of the reason I took my major in university. I look up at the serene sky and remember my cosmo, I wonder when I can go there again and feel at peace.

Emptiness

I should have mention that my 3 friends left the band. That was my end of year's surprise. I was supposed to bring them news, but I got shocked instead.

Now I know that's in the past, I have to deal with certain problems.

I don't know why, but lately, ever since a month or two months ago, I started to feel blank. I started to feel rather empty again. Until now, I still feel empty.

I need to regain my spirit, otherwise, this would be bad.

News

Last night, I went to see my friend's band performed. It was supposed to be the last one I ever go to, because there are certain things that I guess I couldn't handle. Imagine my surprise when I found out it's only 2 of them who are performing. Imagine my surprise when B told me the other 3 had resigned. At that moment I'm speechless, I'm sad. I can feel about one of them but the other two was....well a bit surprise. I kinda see one of the two do that actually, considering somethings I saw last month. I, however didn't expect that one to resigned.
That person is the reason for everything. And now, it's all gone. I wish them the best though. I know each have their own dreams, each have their own mission, and sooner or later people will move on, they will leave those behind. I do hope it's not one of their childhood or teenage dream that they left behind, because it'd be sad.
Up until now I'm still speechless. Last night show, considering that there are only the both of them, it was really good...no, it was awesome. I actually cried, since I consider that it's gonna be the last...'saigo no'
Right now I can only wish them all good luck for their future. For the band, I hope you'll make it into international stages. For the ex-member, I hope you'll get what you dreamed of.
I feel rather bland actually from yesterday. Well, shikatanai-ne?
Nothing is eternal, nothing last forever, everything is just temporary. Sabbe satta bhavantu sukhitatta.
I'm going to let go certain things, I've been able to live without them before, so I'm going to try again to live without them.
This is just too much.
I look up at the serene sky.