Feelings

These past few days I've been thinking about things. Some things made me down. Some things made me unsure, other things made me go happy, sad, and wishing for an amnesia. Someone told me once in that person's anger, that I'm fat and ugly. I never really thought of myself as being pretty and I'm not thin. Somehow it kinda hurt me, especially if those words come out from the person you're close with. Well, simply saying I guess I've been feeling rather worthless lately. Considering my last post, I guess it has been hard for me to decide things. I'm pretty moody myself, kinda like someone I'm close with. I have a lot of things I want, and honestly I really would like to see them as a reality, but unfortunately I don't think I'll be able to. 2 reasons for that, first one is a simple reason as in age. The second reason is that I think I'm lacking the skill, although I'll never know until I try it. I like staying at home, I like working on my handicrafts, I like meeting people, I like trying to make them smile, I like to see people smiling, I like playing games, I like food, I like a lot of things. All these things made me feel, I'm not in the right job. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm a lazy bum, it's just that I feel that it's not the right one. My heart is not there. Then I think again, where would my heart be. Sometimes considering all those things, negatives and positives, I come to a conclusion that I'm bad, I'm not worth it, I feel low, I feel fat, ugly, evil, and I feel like I'm a nobody. These are my negative, sad thoughts. I'm trying to get back up, although it's kinda hard, but what doesn't kill you supposed to make you stronger right? So I hope by taking these all out, I'll be able to rise again, I'll be stronger next time. New year's resolution? To be prettier, thinner and more successful. Oh and also to make someone's mine. Let's pray it's all going to be true.

Exist

To exist or not to exist, that is the question.
It has been on my mind for most of these times. Maybe it's best if I
stop existing? I find it in everyone's interest that I stop existing,
for I bring tears, sadness, and uncomfortability to them.
Giving you one example, someone used to say that if I don't exist,
that person might have a better life. Others, I feel the same, if I
stop existing, their lives would be much easier, much better.
I like someone, and somehow ended up getting hurt and hurt that
person. It's always been like that, maybe I'm a negative, but when you
go through that every now and then, it makes you think, doesn't it?
Now I think I repeated that ironic thing, where I like someone, but
that person doesn't have the same feeling, and somehow I feel like
that person's drifting away, pushes me away. So now, does it really
matter anymore if I exist? Or it never really matter?
What stops me from stopping existing is my fear. Fear of being thrown
to a hell hole, so I keep on existing. Afraid of God, that He gave me
life, He's the reason why I exist.
But I often have the wrong reason to stop existing, but then I always
remember the sole reason I still exist.
Now the question, will my fear stays or will I defeat my fear and
cease to exist?

Chance

I've been thinking, regarding my last post. Do I still have a chance? Or is it going to be like Adele's song Chasing Pavements? If you wonder why am I so pessimistic, this is why. I tend to think too much, and in the end I always got hurt. I want to fight, I want to be able to get to this person's heart, even a tiny step at a time, but when this person decided to let me go, will I be able to get in? Or will I get shooed away again like always? This is my irony I looked up at the serene sky and I cried. This has gotten to my nerves. When I am left alone, nobody knows what I will do and I myself am scared of what comes to my mind and what I might do. I looked at the serene ocean.

Feeling

I have this feeling, feeling of love that I cherish. I haven't found this feeling in a long time. It's only a few months but I have to destroy it. This is absolutely not fun. I like this person, I love this person. I'm afraid to lose this person.I feel that this person gets me and I really like that feeling. 2 days ago, this person asked me to let this person go. I'm just sad. Feels like after so long I found a light and then those in the lights shooed me away, telling me I'm not fit to be in the light, telling me that I don't belong there. I'm just sad. I got a feeling that I might not be able to be with this person, and this person's words at first has been soothing me, but I think this person also do the same thing, letting me go. Can I ask this person not to? I feel comfortable with this person. This person's like my close friend, my best friend. I feel lucky to be able to meet this person and I don't want to let this person go.

Mnemo

In 25 years, will I remember this place? 25 is too long? How bout in 10 years? Will I still be able to remember this room? What happened inside? How I spent most of my time here? The smell, the noise, all the memories within?
I'm in my old campus and I'm sitting in a room I used to go to during my last year in the campus, and I really missed those times. Will my memories stay? Or will they fade?
This place has become a dearest place now, full of memories, bittersweet ones. All those silliness, all those chaos, all those madness, all combined into one.
The time where I met them, the time where I spent time with them, when we play together, going crazy together. It has become dear to me. Will I still be able to remember this? Or will this fade? A place where the music plays in the evening. And who knows it's just a simple discussion room?
Let me write this in my heart, in my memory, in my soul. Lest not forget this!

Scared

These past few days, I've been feeling rather scared. No, not these past few days, but these past few weeks. The reason, simply because I don't want to lose someone dear to me. I'm starting to get scared and being emotional without any apparent reason. I'm losing my cool and that's not good. That person however saw something through me and told me that I haven't been myself lately. I know, I'm just scared, I'm just too scared and I'm afraid of telling this to that person. Somehow there's a feeling that I might lose that person sooner or later. I know I want the time to just stand still, because I'm just too afraid of stepping forward into the future time. The thought of losing this person scares me than other things, I'm not really sure why. Anyway, I've been crying these past 3 nights, because I've been too emotional. I kinda feel uncertain, and that made me uneasy. Tonikaku, I've been trying to get something, non love life wise. I wonder if I can get it. I do hope so, since it's been my dream and it's been one of the reason I took my major in university. I look up at the serene sky and remember my cosmo, I wonder when I can go there again and feel at peace.

Emptiness

I should have mention that my 3 friends left the band. That was my end of year's surprise. I was supposed to bring them news, but I got shocked instead.

Now I know that's in the past, I have to deal with certain problems.

I don't know why, but lately, ever since a month or two months ago, I started to feel blank. I started to feel rather empty again. Until now, I still feel empty.

I need to regain my spirit, otherwise, this would be bad.